RULE NUMBER ONE
: Never. Ever. Cry over a girl. We just aren’t worth it. I understand that breakups are extremely painful, but I believe in karma and they will get what they deserve. It’s a total waste of time to cry over a girl who is only worried about herself at the moment. Remedy? Drink some water, hangout with your friends, and don’t think about her.
BREAK-UPS: AKA The Worst. Obviously breakups suck and they leave one, if not both, harmed and insecure. There’s tons to blame yourself for like “They dumped me because I’m not good enough”, “Their friends are going to harass me”, “They were probably cheating”, “Why didn’t they give me a valid reason?”, “Is it because I did something wrong?”, all of which don’t matter because the reason doesn’t matter. What matter’s is the healing process and how to do it. TIP #1 ON WHAT **NOT** TO DO: Don’t drink, don’t smoke, and don’t conform yourself to pills or any other harmful thing. Alcohol and drugs may take your mind off of things for a couple of weeks, but they won’t heal you. You’ll reach a lower point and become depressed and that is the complete opposite of the goal here. You have the right idea of getting your mind off things, though. What’s really important is having a good and dependable distraction like video games or joining a sports team or art. Something constant so you can focus on practice at 6 instead of the girl whose unaware of your worth. As a girl, I can tell you that we look a LOT into our exes after we broke up; body language, rumors, anything that we can get our hands on without having to speak to you directly. We always want to know if you still miss us or if you still care, even if we’ve already “moved on”. So when you’re following these instructions and taking care of yourself, remember how it feels to have a relationship cut off and how much it hurts. Be the bigger person and don’t talk about her, pretend she doesn’t exist, you’ll get over her; however, you don’t want to seem careless and hurt her, even if she hurt you. You’re both trying to heal, don’t wound her to keep her from healing, just focus on yourself. She’s poison that you don’t need.
RED FLAGS: I’ve never had a more difficult topic to discuss in my entire life. To a girl, I’d say: “If he’s possessive, he’s bad”, but females generally are insane. I tell Iziah all the time “Don’t look at the TV, there’s a girl on the screen”. Obviously I’m just kidding and he knows it, but that’s an example. If girls aren’t comfortable with you following general girls (excluding bots, exes, and girls who like you), then that’s a red flag. If a girl accuses you of choosing your friends over her, remember who had you first and stay loyal. If a girl is moving too fast for you in a relationship, that’s a red flag. Move at your pace as long as it doesn’t move to fast for her, then that’d be a red flag on her end. I don’t know much about red flags in a relationship with a girl so if anyone would like to add anything, let me know so I can edit it in!
HOW TO BREAK UP: Okay so quick shout-out to one our flower boys (Coltrane I hope you’re reading this and I hope you’ve learned your lesson). Moving on, here’s how you DON’T break up with someone. First of all, don’t do it over the phone. Seriously if you had the guts to ask her out in person (I’d be surprised if she said yes over the phone), then you can cut it off in person. It’s so disrespectful to break up with someone over the phone. Second of all, don’t date someone else the same day, the day after, etc. that you broke up with her. Girls see these things and it crushes us, the same way it would crush you. We have spies everywhere so everyone knows everything and it get reported to us immediately. Third of all, be considerate. Don’t say “I found someone else”, or “I’m not feeling it anymore”, or “It’s your fault”. These are a few examples of the most insensitive ways to break up with a girl, who is extremely sensitive. From a *VERY* personal stand point, if you were to break up with ME, LIE. TO. ME. I don’t need to know who that girl is that you’ve been texting for the last few weeks, I need to know that it’s not something physical about me that you just can’t stand anymore. If you’ve lost interest, just say “My grades have been slipping so much because my mind has been caught up in how I’m going to get us to work things out”, not even kidding, only lie to me when we’re breaking up. PSA: DON’T LIE TO OTHER PEOPLE WHEN BREAKING UP WITH THEM. I JUST HAVE A DIFFERENT WAY OF HANDLING THINGS SO IM THE ONLY PSYCOPATH THAT BEGS YOU TO LIE TO THEM.
HOW TO DETECT IF A GIRL LIKES YOU: There are two ways a girl would act to get your attention, we will either be extremely shy and avoid eye contact like the black plague, or we will challenge you to cartwheel contests or something super outgoing, literally no in between. If she’s in a relationship and gives you more attention than them, then you’re golden. If she talks!!! about!!! her!!! problems!!! then she!!! likes you!!!
FIRST DATES: Do’s and Don’t’s, let me think. Do: shower before you go! Don’t smother yourself in cologne. Do: offer to give her a ride, don’t: offer multiple times to make her uncomfortable. Do: choose some place where you’re face to face and can talk with each other, don’t: choose the movie theatre where you don’t look at each other or talk to each other or really even acknowledge each other’s existence. Do: see where she would want to go based on her hobbies or interests, don’t: “surprise her”, she doesn’t trust you and attempting to blindfold her will tempt her to contemplate on how she can beat you up and run if she need to. Do: make the first move, don’t: kiss her as a first move. Do: talk about yourself a bit, don’t: put everything on her or talk only about yourself. Do: brush your teeth before you go, even if you’re going out to eat, don’t: talk about anything disturbingly personal or gross.
MEETING HER FAMILY: Oh god okay here we go. MANNERS. MANNERS MANNERS AND AGAIN, EVEN MORE MANNERS. HAD ENOUGH MANNERS? I THINK NOT! MORE MANNERS!!! Girls’ parents are even more insane than the girl (honestly, where do you think she gets it from?). They note everything in case you ask for their blessing one day and they can shoot you down because you didn’t say “excuse me” after sneezing. Okay, done with the parents. Next: siblings. The opinion of a brother or sister are extremely important. Make sure you get along good with the girl’s brother(s)/sister(s) because if you don’t, then you’re bound to be gone in less than a year(which is crucial if the relationship is important to you. If it’s not, then you’re in the wrong section of this post, buddy). Now that that’s out of the way, next is pets. DON’T PUSH THE PETS AWAY. Most dogs are excited by new people, most cats are curious, all other animals are unspoken for. Never push them away, they’re family too. If you’re allergic, let the girl know that you don’t plan on dying today (unless meeting the family is going that bad for you) and politely ask that you two go somewhere else, or put the pets somewhere else.
LONG-DISTANCE: I’m in a long distance relationship right now. If long distance isn’t for you, move along. I need to clear something up, okay. If you’re talking to someone and lead them on and then don’t plan on taking the relationship anywhere else because you can’t handle the pressure of a long distance relationship, then it’s not for you. If you’re interested in a girl but don’t want to try to make long-distance work, then you’re not interested enough and you need to move on before you hurt someone. Long-distance is the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I couldn’t be happier and I would do this for no one else. As a warning, long-distance is very lonely and it takes a huge amount of trust to make it work. In 6 days from now, we will have been together for 10 months, our longest relationship in our dating history, and I have never been happier and more comfortable about myself in a relationship.
SEX: In high school, there’s 3 types of people. Those who don’t have sex, those who pretend and act like they have sex, and those who have sex. This is such a risky thing to talk about because so many people have so many different views on pre-marital sex. I feel safe saying that you can do whatever you want, but there are huge consequences. Being pregnant is awful in high school. Not only is it terrifying to know that you’re the high school boy who got her pregnant can’t support her, but it’s also uneasy to know that high school is high school and kids are mean and they will talk about you AND her if you had sex whether she is pregnant or not. If you plan on having sex, make sure it’s with someone you wholly love. High school relationships rarely last and giving your virginity away leaves you with a very empty feeling. I recommend (very strongly) to not have sex in high school.
ITS OK TO WAIT, ITS OK TO BE SINGLE: Take some time to yourself. Who says time belongs to girls, anyways? You deserve to treat yourself and feel like you are all you need, because you are. Look at you being all strong and handsome and stuff. Always take care of yourself.